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Category: friends

Man Law #1

Bowling 03

Tim and I had lunch plans yesterday with a third party who we’ll call “Terrence.” That morning, we were informed by “Terrence” that he would not be able to attend said lunch because he needed to fit a haircut appointment in to his schedule.

We were nothing short of appalled. How is it that we are a lower priority than his hairdresser? I felt violated. In hopes of validating our pain, we sought an impartial perspective.

Ryan came through with a very wise Man Law: “Haircuts fit in around your schedule, not vice versa.”

Thank you, Ryan. Turns out that “Terrence” had several other legitimate reasons for skipping lunch; it just wasn’t a good day for him. Not sure why he picked the worse reason possible to tell us. My friends (and I) are ruthless hyenas. Melt some plastic or slightly overcook a pancake, and you’ll hear about it for the rest of your life. I’m guessing this will come up again too.

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Funnest Day Ever

Bachelor Party 3333

My bachelor party was last week. I can’t fully describe how much fun it was. We had a blast playing paintball and dodgeball. Relaxed at my place for a bit, enjoyed a cigar on the roof, and went out to dinner at Figlio. Some of us even got dressed up.

On the field and court, a couple of the boys learned the value of the cup, and for the next few days many of us were incredibly sore (dodgeball is very demanding!). That aside, the day was injury free!

I think my favorite moment came during the last game of paintball. The field had been narrowed down to Jason and me versus Marc and Carlos. Pinned behind a tree, I found myself caught in the crossfire from Marc and Carlos, with Jason in a similar boat. J started firing on Carlos, and I saw Marc’s bright white head sticking out from his hiding spot. In a few seconds, Jason shot Carlos, and I nailed Marc. Walking off the field, victorious, I went to shoot of my remaining paint only to find my gun already empty. I won the last game of the day by hitting the last guy in with my very last paintball! A very cool coincidence!

All in all, the day was just fantastically fun. I felt truly touched to be surrounded by so many good friends. Thanks to all of you, and especially to Ryan for putting the day together!

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The Return of the Tray

Guys' Weekend 03

Ah, guys’ weekend. Poker, cigars, cocktails, volleyball, football, wakeboarding, basketball, jet skiing. Almost constant nonsense (see: updog, literally, and marshmallow welts… I pinch). Strange sights and movie parroting. It really doesn’t get any better than that. This year was especially memorable, as a classic chapter from one of our past guys’ weekends was reopened… and finally slammed shut.

Many years ago of a Saturday afternoon at the old Shell Lake estate, one of our finest did his brothers from other mothers the kindness of preparing them a snack. He grabbed one of Jack’s finest from the freezer, and popped in to the oven on a tray he found in Ma Kessler’s immaculate kitchen. Simple enough… until we discovered that the pan in question was none other than Pa Kessler’s prized NFL collector serving platter… and made of plastic to boot! 450 degree heat + plastic? The pan was melted and warped beyond repair. Over thirty years of game-time treats and gridiron memories up in smoke.

We’ve never really let poor Anthony live it down. Guys’ weekend (GW) is all about constant repetition. Repetition somehow makes the unfunny laughable, and despite T’s, “Why ya gotta bring up old shit?,” the old shit always seems to entertain. The melted tray is a story for which we all have a particular fondness, so it comes up even more often the rest. As was the case a couple of months ago while a few of us were dining in Tim‘s screen porch. During our reminiscing, someone wondered whether such a tray could be found on eBay. A laptop was produced, and much to our surprise, there it was! And only ten or fifteen dollars! We bought it on the spot, and immediately went in to hyperactively, mischievously scheming mode. One thing was certain: some funny stuff was going to go down at this guys’ weekend.

Soon after, Tim received the tray and a cracked extra that we hadn’t noticed was also included in the auction. Last Thursday before our departure, Tim re-listed the tray on eBay. The plan was to casually suggest that we all look for the tray, just out of curiosity. This is exactly what we did when Anthony arrived on Friday, and gosh, who woulda thunk it, there one was. And only $60! “Anthony you have to bid on this!” After a bit of cajoling, Anthony placed his bid. We let him think about it more, letting the anticipation and tension of the auction build over the course of the afternoon and evening. I even called Patrick and had him bid on it, upping the suspense! The auction closed that evening at $68.

Of course he won it, and the next afternoon we let him in on the joke. While Tim was in the kitchen cooking, he asked Anthony next to him to please grab a tray from the cupboard. There he found the tray we had planted, and the fun ensued. He walked around bewildered, asking, “did you guys see this?” while we pretended to be equally shocked. We let him stew for a few more minutes before letting him in on the joke.

It probably should have ended there. But there was the problem of that extra. What were we to do with it? That night during our regular GW poker session, Tim was back in the kitchen cooking pizzas again when I figured out exactly what to do: melt it! I grabbed the extra tray from its hiding spot, and while Anthony was in the next room dealing poker and smoking his cigar, Tim carefully melted the tray in the oven, then set it on top of the warm range while the pizzas cooled and pizza rolls cooked. Returning to his place at the table, Tim asked Anthony if he’d mind checking on the rolls in a few minutes. When Anthony did, we heard nothing but silence for at least two minutes. I have never wished for a hidden camera so much in my life. I can only imagine the look on his face as he saw the new tray melted just as the old one had been. Even when he did finally pop his head back out on the deck to tell us, “I don’t know how this could possibly happen,” his expression was hilarious.

We let him on in on the double tray joke, and we all laughed even harder and longer than before. Now the tray has been restored, and I’m sure the story is finally over. But we’ll be telling it forever, with a bit more embellishment each time. And that is Guys’ Weekend.